*theme music*
Tim: This is a great movie, you're not gonna regret it!
Tim: You're gonna wanna skip this movie.
Tim: Have you ever wondered what movie should I see this weekend? Well, we're here to help. It's On Cinema At The Cinema.
Tim: Hi everybody, my name is Tim Heidecker. Welcome to a- the On Cinema At The Cinema's first annual Christmas special hosted by myself, Tim Heidecker, as well as produced by myself. My guest today is part of the Christmas special, Gregg Turkington. Gregg-
Gregg: Hey guys, and happy Hobbit-days to you, Tim.
Tim: Okay, happy- Merry Christmas is the most important thing, and we are here celebrating Christmas, and I love how people try to make it happy holidays now.
Gregg: I said Hobbit-days.
Tim: I understand, and I was reading this thing on The Blaze the other day, and there's this- in Cleveland, Ohio, believe it or not, the city hall, they are not letting them use manger for... They're not letting them use manger for display. I mean, what's going on? What country is this? That's my only point. I do want to give a shout out to a friend of mine down in Austin, Texas, Jeff Stringer. I was down there a couple weeks ago. I was attending a Liberty Rally, and Jeff recognized me. Nice guy, he came over and he said, "You're from On Cinema." I said, "Absolutely." He said, "I'm a big fan, why don't you come with me?" And I followed him about six blocks, and walked into a cowboy store, a western store. Which they have a bunch of down there. He sized me up and found me these cool boots. I think they're ostrich. And yep. Okay. All right, well, let's talk about our movies this week. I got a couple of great movies to talk about. Very excited. The Hobbit: The Desolation of- yes, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Starring Peter Jackson, Martin Freeman, Ian... sorry, Martin Freeman is supposed to be Morgan Freeman.
Gregg: No, it's Martin Freeman from the... He was in the original Hobbit too. Same cast from the first movie.
Tim: Okay. Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage. The dwarves, Bilbo, and Gandalf has escaped the Misty Mountains with the one ring. Now they must continue onward to get their gold back from the Dragon Smaug. I love this movie.
Gregg: Yeah. Yeah.
Tim: I mean, let's just be honest, I'm gonna get five bags of popcorn. I'm not gonna bother arguing about that with anybody. It might as well be the same movie. This one will win the Oscar. Alright, let's not mess around with that anymore. Give 'em the Oscar now.
Gregg: It was funny when you first brought this movie up and you said it wasn't a Christmas movie. And I guess technically it isn't, but in a way it's the ultimate Christmas movie and that it's a gift from Peter Jackson to the world. I was a little disappointed in it, disappointed that it didn't come out earlier 'cause I've been waiting for this movie since five minutes after the last one ended. I do believe this will finally give Peter Jackson the Oscar that he deserves. I do believe that retroactively the previous Hobbit movie might be considered for a Lifetime Achievement Award. I had this really cool dream the other day where I thought this would make a neat commercial TV ad or something where Santa Claus is leaving the North Pole and you see the one horse open sleigh over through the clouds and things like that. And then it lands in a clearing and you got the reindeer and the whole thing. And Santa Claus hops out of the sleigh wearing his whole red outfit that Santa Claus wears, and turns to the camera and says, "Merry Christmas." And that's when you realize it's not Santa at all, it's a Bilbo Baggins! Andd it would be sort of a cool promotion for this movie or for Christmas in general. That would be kind of my ultimate Christmas. So I would give this new Hobbit movie, I guess it's no surprise, five bags of popcorn, and a hundred more bags of popcorn.
Tim: Wow. I'm also gonna give The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug the rare five bags of popcorn with an additional five bags. 10 bags of popcorn.
Gregg: Well, I gave it a hundred so that's probably-
Tim: Anyhow, we're gonna jump on to another great movie that came out this week, Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas.
Gregg: I thought you said Amadeus Christmas. Remember that old movie Amadeus? That was a big Oscar movie as well.
Tim: Well maybe that'll shine some luck onto this one. Director is Tyler Perry, and also starring the Tyler Perry, with Chad Michael Murray, Larry the Cable Guy and Kathy Na-... Najimi... Indian name. This is a Madea movie in which Madea turns a small upside- small town upside... small town upside down... She, when she's persuaded- ugh... She turns a small town upside down- I thought this was a poem. When she persuaded, when she's persuaded- why can't I read this?
Gregg: It's a Christmas movie essentially, and uh-
Tim: No It's just- I'm looking at it and it's.. Madea turns a small town upside down when she's persuaded into helping... into helping a friend pay her. Doesn't seem like it makes sense as a sentence... Helping a friend pay...
Gregg: ...at Christmas.
Tim: When sh-... she's persuaded, okay, when she's persuaded into, I'm sorry, first time I'm reading this. When she's persuaded into helping a friend pay, okay, so: when she's persuaded into helping a friend pay her daughter for a su- oh, a surprise- for a surprise vi- A surprise visit on Christmas.
Gregg: On Christmas, yeah. It's a Christmas movie. And you've seen these movies before, you'll love it. I gotta say, I was a little distracted when I was trying to watch this one because my mind was still on the Hobbit, which we'd seen earlier that afternoon. And I kept seeing Bilbo in my head and sort of wondering how the whole trilogy is gonna end, although I have read the book.
Tim: Rating? I give-
Gregg: For The Hobbit? No, sorry. I was thinking about the Hobbit again.
Tim: Tyler Perry's- for me, I give it five bags of popcorn. I'm excited because this is really sort of the first black Christmas movie. 
GregG: Well, I mean, Larry the Cable Guy isn't black and he was in it.
Tim: Well, it's a black themed movie. And I think it's great that every race has their own movie they can celebrate and watch on Christmas season.
Gregg: Yeah, but Larry- Larry the Cable Guy is white.
Tim: But, for example, Christmas Carol is a white movie and there might be a black in that movie.
Gregg: But anybody can watch these movies. And that's-
Tim: Well, congratulations to Tyler Perry and Larry Ca- and Larry the Cable Guy, who- for making a... making this film.
Gregg: And I would give it five bags of popcorn and maybe some sort of blinders or something to stop you from seeing or thinking about the Hobbit while you're trying to watch this, 'cause you should really give it your full attention.
Tim: Alright, let's move on to our new seg- our next segment, which is Popcorn Classics.
*Popcorn Classics music with sleighbells*
Gregg: Our Popcorn Classic today is Christmas with The Kranks. If you've seen this before, you know that Tim Allen is hilarious, Jamie Lee Curtis is hilarious, Dan Aykroyd is always hilarious, Cheech Marin: hilarious, Jake Busey...
Tim: Son of a Jack Blusey. Uh, son of-
Gregg: And this is based on the novel Skipping Christmas by John Grisham, who's kind of a spy guy. If you like spy movies, I'm a big Bond head. This is just a fun sort of instant family classic, and you gotta see it.
Tim: And that's starring Dan Aykroyd as well, he really tears it up in this movie, and it's a lot of fun to watch. But all the best of Tim Allen and Merry Christmas Tim Allen.
Gregg: Merry Christmas Jamie Lee Curtis too, the always beautiful Jamie Lee Curtis. He has a little bit of spice to this. It's still a family comedy, but you know, let's face it, she's a good looking woman.
Tim: Very sexy, and I love seeing her in the yogurt commercials. I would like to now just jump into our Christmas gift ex- On Cinema Gift Exchange.
*music*
Tim: Alright Greg, well I got you something here that... kind of a big gift.
Gregg: Wow.
Tim: Open this one first.
Gregg: Okay. Ooh, it's heavy. Let's see.
Tim: Well, I think you'll like it. I think it's appropriate since you're such a movie buff.
Tim: That's a Blu-ray player. It's a brand new Blu-ray.
Gregg: Blu-ray, okay.
Tim: It's a brand new Blu-ray player, and that's like the highest technology in terms of DVDs.
Gregg: Does it have a... VHS input as well? No it's just a Blu-... Okay, well that's cool.
Tim: No, and then this came with it. This is like sort of on top of that, if you wanna...
Gregg: I have a pretty big VHS collection, a library I've sort of spent my life building, so I don't know if I'm quite ready to make the switch over, but...
Tim: Well, this will help you get started. And those are just like a starter pack, so you can get started with, show some of those. Marine 3...
Gregg: Treasure Train. Disorgani-
Tim: This one looks funny, look who's in this one. I thought of you when I saw it. Hoyt Axton, whoever that is, Corbin Bernsen, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Ed O'Neill. It's like a gangster comedy. And this is high quality, best picture quality you can ever get. Some of these are 3D too. So that's for you, got that for a pretty good price.
Gregg: The shelves I have for my film library are kind of made for more VHS height, so I'm not sure where I would keep these, but maybe put them in storage or something, I don't know. But yeah, it's cool. That's nice. I got you something, which I think you're gonna like.
Tim: That should hook up to your TV as well.
Gregg: Yeah.
Tim: HDMI cable. Do you have H-
Gregg: I think you're gonna like this. It's the one and only official, brand new On Cinema at the Cinema hat, which you can wear to baseball games, or wear it on the show would be what I would recommend. And then, since you said you lost yours, I got another one of these babies made up. This is the uniform for future episodes of On Cinema. And here you go.
Tim: I didn't even get to open it, you just handed it to me. Traditional stuff would be wrapped. Alright, well, I have one of these, or I misplaced one of these, so good have one of these back again, looks a little big. And thanks for the hat.
Gregg: Yeah. Try it on.
Tim: Well, I got- don't wanna mess up my hair.
Gregg: Nah, it's not that type of a hat, just try it on.
Tim: Well, I have, this is all kind of where I want it to be, so... I don't get hat-head.
Gregg: Well, loosen it and then put it on.
Tim: Yeah, I'll.- y'know, free country, I'll probably wear it whenever I want. Not right now. But thank you.
Gregg: Yeah, thanks for the, you know, movies.
Tim: Thanks for watching.
*theme music*
Tim: I'll see you next year.
Gregg: Yeah.
Tim: Can I get out of here now? We're just gonna, I don't wanna do a whole holiday thing with the crew.

Transcribed by oddreflection
