*theme music*
Tim: Three bags of popcorn! Four bags of popcorn! Five bags of popcorn! Five bags of popcorn, two sodas.
Tim: It's On Cinema at the Cinema with me, your host, Tim Heidecker.
Tim: Hey, everybody. Welcome to On Cinema at the Cinema. My name is Tim Heidecker and I am the host of the show on Cinema at the Cinema, which is a review movie show where we talk about movies and tell you what's coming out in the theaters this week and give you guys a little advice as to what movies you should check out and see. Movies we're going to talk about today. First of all, we have Almanac starring Dean Israelite, Sir Major-
Gregg: Um, and your guest today is...
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. My guest is Gregg Turkington.
Gregg: Hey, guys. Good to be here and especially with such fantastic movies as we're reviewing this week.
Tim: Right. Well, I was going to tell you guys about Almanac starring Sir Major, Sir Majeur, Amy Landecker, Johnny- Bunch of no names. *burps* This is a story about a group of teens who embark on an adventure when they discover secret plans to build a time machine. Now this is a classic time machine movie, one of my favorite genres of movies.
Gregg: H.G. Wells, The Time Machine.
Tim: Right. And this is sort of one of those sci-fi, fun, friendly movies. Was released this year.
Gregg: It's a little scary too. The whole concept of traveling and time can be scary if you've ever seen Back to the Future 2 or 3 where things actually go wrong for Marty McFly. Kind of interesting.
Tim: I would have liked to have seen somebody like Tom Cruise in this or... I mean, obviously there's only one Tom Cruise, but even a Mel Gibson or somebody of that quality, that caliber. This was just full of people I didn't recognize.
Gregg: Well, these are pretty well-known actors. You just have to know your stuff. I've heard of these actors, all of them, and I've seen them in their other films. They're kind of more European-type actors. Sometimes we do get imported films and we review them and we try to give you the information about whatever's in the theater, wherever it's from. So that's what the show's about.
Tim: I mean, I hear what you're saying about that, but despite there not being any stars in this movie, I'm still... Twist my arm, I'm going to give it five bags of popcorn because it is about time travel and sci-fi. So, Johnny Weston, you're lucky you finally get a good movie reviewed by me.
Gregg: You don't have to twist my arm. In fact, I'm very happy to give it five bags of popcorn. This is probably the best time travel movie I've seen since Back to the Future 3, which was the conclusion of the Back to the Future Trilogy. Anyone that's seen those movies know they're sort of the gold standard of time travel movies. So I do recommend you see all three of those movies and- as soon as you can.
Tim: Alright, next movie is called Non-Stop. And it's directed by... Ugh... Jaume Collet-Serra. What kind of a name is Jaume. J-A-U-M. Joke name. That's the name of some kind of soup, not a man's name... Soup name.
Gregg: I've never heard of any soup like that.
Gregg: Jaume Collet-Serra. Joke. Casted by Liam Neeson, Julianne Moore, I love Julianne Moore she's very pretty, and Anson Mount. An Air Marshall must spring into action aboard an international flight. This was the best movie I've seen in a long time. It's right- Have you ever been on a plane?
Gregg: Oh yeah, a couple times.
Tim: You ever wonder what would happen if it got a carjacked or uh, hijacked by an assassin? It feels like-
Gregg: Yeah, there's actually a comedy called Airplane!, a really funny movie where that happens. But it's not scary, it's funny. And you should see that. The Zucker Brothers. Very, very funny.
Tm: We're not talking about that. We're talking about Non-Stop. I was sitting in my seat like this. *leans forward*
Gregg: Which is hard to do on a plane because seats are awful close together.
Tim: I thought this movie was terrific and God bless Liam Neeson. I'm so proud of him for doing these movies all the time. The guy gets no rest. He probably doesn't sleep more than a couple hours a night because he's
constantly working.
Gregg: I thought you said he gets no respect, like the old Rodney Dangerfield "I don't get no respect." But Liam Neeson has got a few Oscars under his belt. So I'd say he gets plenty of respect.
Tim: Right. Well, I've got to give non-stop six bags of popcorn and go ahead and throw a tag on six cans of soda.
Gregg: I thought non-stop was pretty frightening. It wasn't the comedy that the Airplane! was or Airplane II or something like that. It was more of a dark look at a really toxic subject which is airplane hijacking. I'm going to give it five bags of popcorn and maybe a little cell phone so you can call 911 if that ever happens to you.
Tim: Well, that's very thoughtful Greg. Thank you. Why don't we just do this and just say thanks to Liam Neeson and ask the audience here to send a note to whoever's putting this movie out. Say we'll put the address up there on the bottom here. Say- address to Neil- Liam Neeson.
Gregg: And here-
Tim: Hold on a minute!
Gregg: Here's a trivia question-
Tim: Shut up for a sec! Hold on.
Gregg: Okay.
Tim: Thank you Liam Neeson from the On Cinema Family. It's all you've got to do. And put it in the mail today.
Gregg: And here's a trivia question. What do you think the three best Liam Neeson movies are?
Tim: The, Non-Stop, Taken, and The Gray, the wolf movie.
Gregg: No.
Tim: I'm going to tell you, I'm at a place in my life now where I'm looking at my list of all time favorite actors. And I got to warn you Tom Cruise, I gotta- and Tom Hanks, who are sitting number one and two right now. You got some competition on your ass. I'm talking about Liam Neeson. He is rising, flying up that list. He was probably in the 20s or something two years ago. He's up in the top 10 now. And he keeps making movies like Non-Stop. He's going to be number one. And Tom Cruise is going to be bye bye.
Gregg: For me it's more classic actors. Guys like Roger Moore who is the best James Bond. He was the second James Bond. Actually the third if you count-
Tim: Doesn't matter. Let's move on. I don't watch Bond. Junk. You get me in the movie theater if you cast Liam Neeson as James Bond. Now there's an idea.
Gregg: That's a great idea.
Tim: Alright, let's go to Popcorn Classics.
*Popcorn Classics music*
Gregg: Today's Popcorn Classic actually is a pretty interesting film. It's from 1976. It's called The Slipper and the Rose. And it stars Richard Chamberlain, it't-
Tim: Alright, hold on a sec. Greg I asked you to not bring in these homemade tapes anymore. We're going to get in trouble from the MPAA, so.
Gregg: No, because this is the only way I could get this movie. Is to tape it off television.
Tim: Well, I don't like it. It looks very unprofessional. It looks amateur. I'm going to ask you to not do that anymore. Okay? It sucks.
Gregg: Well you're going to get a lower quality of selections if I can only bring in certain types of packaging.
Tim: Well, you've had- the past three seasons you've had no problem bringing in top quality movies. I don't know why this, suddenly you're all bringing in all these homemade- It doesn't matter.
Gregg: It's not homemade. The movie is made by a major studio.
Tim: It's okay. We're moving on. Nobody wants to see this old movie, anyway. Old musical junk. Slipper and the Rose, who cares? Here's big breaking news coming on for On Cinema fans. I've got a big exclusive happening right now. I'm going to show you guys an exclusive clip of my new film. That's right. I've been making a movie all on my own. I've only been shooting a few scenes. But this scene is very-
Gregg: When have you been doing this?
Tim: I've been doing it every weekend for the past six months.
Gregg: I didn't know that.
Tim: That I've been financing myself. It's an action spy, international spy thriller called Decker. That's the lead character I play named Decker, Jack Decker. Me, who I also wrote and directed. You will see now an exclusive scene from Decker.
*dramatic music*
President Davidson: Decker, thanks for coming. We have a crisis.
Decker: You know what, President Davidson? I was pretty sure you didn't call me up here to shoot the shit.
President Davidson: Iran has nuclear weapons. They're on missiles and they're pointed towards the United States. They are ready to attack at any second.
Decker: All due respect, President Davidson, I told you assholes to watch out for Iran and you didn't listen to me.
President Davidson: That's not important now. What is important is that we act immediately. Otherwise we're going to have World War II nuclear style. 
Decker: Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?
President Davidson: I want you to go to Tehran. Then I want you to assassinate every fuckin' Iranian that you see.
Decker: Now that's the first goddamn thing you've ever said that made one piece of fuckin' sense. Can you cover my ass?
President Davidson: No. Afraid not. If you're caught or killed, I'll tell the nation that you're some psychotic lunatic that just went crazy. It's a Hail Mary for the world, Decker.
Decker: Mr. President, I'll do it. But not for you. For the American people. *fires warning shot* They deserve a second chance. Not like you
President Davidson: *sighs* I knew I could count on you, Decker.
Decker: I better get on that plane.
President Davidson: Oh, Decker.... Good luck, Decker.
Decker: You still don't get it, do you? Luck is for pussies like you. All I need is this gun.
Tim: So, Gregg, how many bags of popcorn do you give that scene, assuming that the rest of the movie is of that quality?
Gregg: I mean, it's.. it's not a real movie. It's not going to be a real movie. You don't seem to understand how movies are made. Do you have to have a director, a producer-
Tim: I have all those. I-
Gregg: A camera crew, sound crew-
Tim: I had all that.
Gregg: A key grip, do you have a gaffer? Do you have a best boy? Do you have that sort of thing?
Tim: Well, these scenes are theor- well.
Gregg: 'Cause if you don't then it's just a home movie. And you don't review things like that on our show, so.
Tim: No, I'm not asking for reviews. I'm saying these are all theoretical scenes. I'll be reshooting them when we get the real budget. But these are theoretical scenes that we're going to be presenting to investors next year. So that's your first peek and we're be, going to continue to work on it. I'm pretty happy with it. And thanks for watching.
*theme music*
Tim: You can actually do so much with CGI now, a lot of this stuff- for instance we didn't have to shoot at the White House. That was on green screen. It looks like it's the White House.
Gregg: No, it didn't look like the White House at all.
Tim: I thought it... I couldn't tell the difference.

Transcribed by oddreflection
